Remember how Christopher Reeve found it a tad difficult to walk? Or just generally... move? Well that’s nothing compared to the immense difficulty that’s sitting on my shoulders now. Feels about as heavy as four fully gown elephants, stacked on top of each other! Four fully grown elephants, stacked on top of each other, wearing heavy-duty body armour to protect them from poachers who want to hollow their trunks out and use them as one of those horn thingies to call other poachers so they can all meet up for an exquisite dinner party in the jungle!

The great difficulty that I must defeat is one that I’ve been too afraid of to tackle until the time was right. It’s an ancient beast with the most terrifying gaze! A gaze so traumatising, it’s been known to turn fully grown men into quivering spastics, drooling all over themselves while trying to form complex words like “dog” or “bagel”. This evil exists in us all. It has twin miniguns nailed to its arms and possesses the accuracy of a fucking sniper made of awesome sauce!

The beast guards a door that I’ve never had the urge to pass through until now. A door that leads to a happy place, an optimistic place, a door that I’ll have to pass through to bring you... A POSITIVE REVIEW!

But enough tales of epic battles of greatness, lemme just tell you all you need to know: Trick R’ Treat is a film that deserves the mountain, nay, PLANET sized hype that’s been heaped upon it! It’s that damn good!

Trick R’ Treat is more of a Halloween film than John Carpenter’s Halloween is. See, JC’s Halloween (that’s John Carpenter, not Jesus Christ) is about a guy who runs round slicing people and tilting his head, which is all very nice n’ all, but it doesn’t necessarily HAVE to take place on Halloween. You can stab people any day of the year, even on Christmas! Trick R’ Treat is a film about Halloween traditions and the kind of atmosphere that can only exist on Halloween night.

It’s not scary in the slightest but I don’t think Michael Dougherty set out to make it scary. It feels more like a fun Pixar movie but with no CGI and a bit more boobs and child murder. It’s got a certain charm that you won’t find in these cookie cutter, conveyor belt slasher movies that are all too terrified to break any rules set down over 30 years ago that they all end up being the same but with slight differences. Just because the killer’s wearing a different mask and the teenagers are slightly less/more retarded, doesn’t make it an original story.

I suppose I should at least give some kind of idea of what Trick R’ Treat is about, but I can’t be bothered. If I write any more words, I think my screen’s gonna crack! Trick R’ Treat is brilliant and you’ll love it if you aren’t expecting some kind of Saw style gore masturbation or generic teens getting offed in inventive ways. It’s so damn good that, for once, I didn’t wanna reach into my TV and strangle Anna Paquin every time she was on screen!

If I was a fan of those redundant rating systems, I’d give Trick R’ Treat 46 donkies outta 32 spaghetti dinners! That’s a ginormous thumbs up right there!